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I Love You but I'm Not in Love with You, by MARSHALL ANDREW G
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If the relationship you have with your significant other is defined more by companionship than passion . . . if you love each other deeply but are not deeply in love . . . if you feel that something's missing or is no longer there . . . then you could be experiencing ILYB (I Love You, But . . .).
In I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You --a real-life relationship guide from couples' counselor Andrew G. Marshall--partners and individuals who have 'fallen out of love' or want to rekindle the love that once was will learn how to use Marshall 's program with impressive results.
This is a much-needed book to help men and women of all ages in any type of committed romantic relationship to truly understand love and to point out the everyday habits that undermine growing together. Marshall's research is one of the few that delves into what causes relationships to 'cool' or for emotions to be 'dulled.' So much more than a quick-fix guide, I Love You, but I'm Not In Love with You empowers couples to emerge with a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately build a stronger, more passionate bond.
Learn how to:
• Argue productively and address the core of the issue
• Employ the trigger words for more effective communication
• Find a balance between being fulfilled as an individual and being one half of a couple
• Discover if the ILYB is simply a symptom of a workable problem
• Take your sex life to a deeper level of intimacy
• Create new bonds instead of searching for the old ones
- Sales Rank: #10355776 in Books
- Published on: 2016
- Original language: English
- Dimensions: 5.16" h x .87" w x 7.80" l, .73 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
About the Author
Andrew G. Marshall is a marital therapist with twenty years experience. He works for RELATE, the UK’s leading couple-counseling charity, and writes on relationships for The Times, Observer and Sunday Express. Dr. Marshall is also the president of the British Men's Counseling Association and a frequent contributor to stressbusting.co.uk, a relationship counseling website.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Excerpts from I Love You, But I'm Not in Love with You
THE COUPLES
Five years ago, the occasional couple would present themselves at my therapy office after one partner had confessed, 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you.' To start off, I was surprised. The phrase seemed to belong to a character in a smart New York TV sitcom. Yet real people were using it to describe something profound that was happening to their relationship. But how could someone love but not be in love? These couples would describe each other as best friends or that their relationship was more like a brother and sister, except most were still having sex. In essence, the partnership had become defined by companionship rather than passion―and that was no longer enough.
COUPLE #1
Nick is, a forty-two-year-old sales manager, and Anna, a thirty-nine-year-old teacher. They had been married for fifteen years and despite some difficult patches, like Nick's layoff, their relationship had flourished.
So when Nick dropped the, 'I love you, but' bombshell, Anna was devastated: 'I thought we had a happy relationship, I really did. Not perfect, of course, but then who can claim that? I've tried to get him to explain why he doesn't love me anymore, but he keeps saying he doesn't know. The best he has managed is that I don't listen. Except, he's never told me before he was unhappy.'
Nick explained that the feeling had been building for several years and that he needed to tell their two teenage children and have a trial separation. 'He has no honor, no loyalty,' Anna complained. 'He is completely selfish. I feel he's leaving me for someone he hasn't even met yet.'
COUPLE #2
Michael and Elizabeth are both in their late thirties and have been together since their late teens. 'I no longer feel I'm special to Elizabeth ,' complained Michael. 'I know we have responsibilities, but we used to be everything to each other. Now I seem to come way down on the list. I might joke that I come after the kids' guinea pigs, but it's not really very funny.'
Michael had been feeling like this for several years and had withdrawn into himself. At first, Elizabeth thought there might have been someone else, but finally, Michael confessed that he loved her but was no longer in love and was considering leaving. 'We're not a couple of kids sharing french fries in a bus shelter anymore,' she moaned. 'It can't be how it used to be. Just think of all the things I do for you―cooking, cleaning, ironing. Do you think I feel special every day? Life isn't like that.' Michael and Elizabeth were both talking about love but had very different definitions.
With no agreement about what constitutes love, their conversations went around in circles. ILYB is especially frustrating when there is much to celebrate in the relationship.
ILYB
Irene is sixty-one and has been with her husband for over thirty-five years. She lives in Toronto , Ontario , and is one of the respondents to a questionnaire I circulated throughout North America .
'We are good friends and have wonderful conversations about everything, but I can't pretend that I wouldn't be happier if the passionate and affectionate sides of myself could be expressed and received,' writes Irene. 'But I no longer know how to deal with that. I try to show my love in other ways, but the truth is, at times I still feel bereft.' With most problems, when someone has the courage to admit everything, he or she expects to be greeted with sympathy and understanding.
Sadly, people who have fallen out of love are often told just to try harder. Naomi is thirty-four and comes from New Jersey : 'My soul is lost, and I am almost emotionally dead. I confided in my mother, but she just reminded me that I have a wonderful husband who loves his children.
She's right. But I just cannot let love into my heart. I want it so badly but just don't know what to do.' Instead of feeling supported, Naomi feels more alone than ever before and is no further forward in finding a solution. Almost every popular song is about love, as are half of all novels and films; we read about it or see it on TV every day. Surely, we should understand love and, at the very least, be able to define it. But this is where the confusion starts. We can love our mothers, our children, and our friends―even chocolate.
When it comes to our partners, love can describe both the crazy, heady days at the beginning of a relationship and ten years later, taking his or her hand, squeezing it, and feeling sure of each other. Can one little word really cover so many different emotions? Dictionaries are not much help. They list almost two dozen synonyms―including affection, fondness, caring, liking, concern, attraction, desire, and infatuation, and we all instinctively agree there is a huge gap between 'liking' and complete 'infatuation.' The problem is that we have one word for three very different emotions: the early days/honeymoon passion; the day-to-day intimacy with a long-term partner; and the protective instinct for a child or bond with a parent. To clarify the differences between these three types, we need a new vocabulary, partly to remove the confusion between two partners with different takes―like Elizabeth and Michael―but mainly because by naming and explaining the differences, we will understand love better.
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©2007. Andrew G. Marshall. All rights reserved. Reprinted from I Love You, but I'm Not IN Love with You. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street , Deerfield Beach , FL 33442.
Most helpful customer reviews
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Well Written with Great Advice
By It's Me
Written very well, in easy concise language, with many real life examples. The 5 Kinds of Love Languages, was the most surprising - it turns out that my significant other and I were communicating our love to each other in the wrong "language." Couples should read this book at the first signs of tension in their relationship - don't wait until those infamous words are used: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
135 of 140 people found the following review helpful.
A hard book for me to read
By James H. Stewart III
This is a hard book to read. My wife left, and, just as is very clearly explained in the book, me, the man, didn't have a clue. I found this book because the title is the exact phrase that she used as she walked out. Now, my life is dedicated to being a person that can she can be in love with again.
But, the book is hard. I am in there. I can't say how many times I was reading and simply had to put the book down until the tears stopped. It was me I was reading about, and I simply never knew what I had been doing, and even more, not doing.
I hope I haven't learned too late.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful.
Wonderful book
By jmj365
This book was great, very helpful, applicable, and easy to read. I love the explanations, examples, and exercises. I recommend it for all couples, but especially those feeling like they're missing something or getting bored over time.
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